So what are some of the sure signs of divorce? Over 15 years I have come up with my own list of signs. I can say with about 95% accuracy that these signs are that a couple is headed for divorce. Try to read through this list and see if you can identify yourself in any of these and take notes so that you can understand yourself better. This isn’t about judgment or blame. It’s just simply about assessing the state of affairs that your marriage is in.

1. What are your non Negotiables in the relationship? What are those things your not willing to tolerate from yourself and your partner?
2. You and your partner have lost sexual interest to be with each other. Do you feel distant and are you living as roommates? Sleeping in separate bedrooms?
3. Do you find yourself reaching outside to other people sharing personal information about how bad the marriage is? Do you feel like this person or these other people give you comfort and agree with you so you feel more emotionally connected to them now?
4. You find yourself defensive all the time. Your walking around ready to fight at the drop of a dime. You hold onto resentment and contempt and at any time are willing to put on the boxing gloves. You’re always finding the need to criticize and point out what your partner is not doing right.
5. One or both partners are refusing to talk. This leads to stonewalling and more hurt and anger. It is a passive aggressive form but in reality is speaking even though there’s no one doing any talking. Its showing through body language and withdrawal that game playing has begun and there’s really no more interest in each other’s well-being.
6. Tit for tat and one up and manship is created. You’re always trying to prove to each other your “more right”. There is no right or wrong. There is only each individuals own perspective.
7. It is hard to be around your partner at all. You don’t even want to come home most days. You avoid each other at all costs. There are way more arguments than there are calm and mature discussions.
8. Your friends, family and even possibly your children are telling you to get out of the relationship. Everybody else can see that it is toxic.
9. When you get still and quiet with yourself you’re able to listen to your “higher more awakened self”, your gut or intuition. It is telling you that this marriage is no longer in alignment with who you are.

Questions to ask yourself to assess where you are.

• Do you find yourself always walking on eggshells? Afraid of the others reaction and emotional, verbal outburst?
• Why do you allow yourself to stay when you know it is toxic and unmanageable?
• What expectations do you still have for each other?
• Are there any assumptions your making up that you need to speak on?

Therapy may not be agreed upon by one of the partners. You can’t force it on them either. Many times one partner wants to make it work. They are trying to capture a past time when things felt good. The reality is that they are not.

I am all for working with couples to save their marriage. There are times though that I feel it has gotten to ugly and it would be almost impossible to turn the ship around. Especially when your kids are now involved as well?

Seeking Professional Help

All hope is not lost. If a couple can agree to get in early enough and seek professional marriage counseling they may be able to learn to communicate more effectively. I won’t lie, it will take a lot of work and self reflection. It is not about your partner and what they are not doing right. It’s more about taking ownership for your part and looking at the story you are creating.

At High Expectations Counseling we have a team of trained professionals that can help you out as a couple and as an individual. Even if peaceful divorce and separation is the focus, with a third party helping you to navigate you don’t have to get to the point of ripping into each other. Call us today at 407-967-1327.