Self Sabotage and Relationships
Self Sabotage and how often do you see yourself doing this in your relationships with others? Do you ever wonder why you do this? Do you have the awareness that you are even doing this?
One thing to recognize about self sabotage is to understand that your in reality trying to guard and protect yourself from what you perceive as a threat. It isn’t so much that your self sabotaging.
We are all programmed for survival. The ego is strong and does not like to feel vulnerable and exposed. It is the wounded self. Fear will activate the wounded child of self and attempt to block all threats no matter real or imagined. This is great if your running from a bear.
The downside is that many go into this stressful response due to not wanting to feel emotional hurt. We operate from false belief systems that tell us, “I cannot handle this much emotional pain and stress.” We then find ourselves running from relationship and isolating or self sabotaging. This blocks us off from others, our emotions and gives us an idea that we are safe. It is all an illusion or story you have made up in your mind.
Top 13 Ways We Self Sabotage
1. The to early statement – I love you!
Relationships are not a frantic sprint. It is more like a long marathon. When you tell another that you love them it creates all sorts of expectations. This is especially true if the person you said this to is not quite sure how the other feels about you or the relationship yet.
Are you saying that you love the other person early on because you’re afraid that you may lose them? If both of you love each other then it will be a natural process unfolding. Always check your motives as to why you’re asking or saying certain statements.
2. Constant obsessive thoughts about the past.
Our minds pull from the past predicting the future and dumping into this present moment. For many they believe life should be only one way. That is their way. This creates obsessive thinking, impulsive reaction’s,anger and resentment. The past is only a time space event that has no reality or validity in the present moment. Drop it and move on.
3. Dependence on parents way too much
The adult that has a failure to launch is a sure way to kill your relationship. It’s a red flag for sure if your partner does not talk at all to their parents but it also is a red flag if they can’t stop talking to the parents. Are you comfortable with the fact that they may depend on their parents for food, clothes, help pay the bills, etc?
4. Playing the role of his mommy
One might like to think getting into a relationship that they are capable of doing basic life skills. Waking themselves up on time for work is just one. Do you find that it’s expected for you to play the role of the alarm clock?
Stop expecting your partner to be your mother or father. Do your own dishes, do your own laundry, and wake yourself up on time. Please do not ask permission from your partner to do so. Talk about a sure way to lose attraction then do that.
5. Constant nonstop ultimatums being made when they aren’t even meant
Everyone independently has their own nonnegotiable’s or deal-breakers. It would probably be wise to talk about this when entering a relationship or before diving head into the relationship. What are your deal breakers? Do you even know what they are? Can you communicate them effectively and stay in your own lane which also means mind your own business? If you find a partner suddenly pops off at the fact that you ate the last slice of pizza then go ahead and grab the pizza fast and head out the door.
6. Fighting for the sake of fighting over nothing at all
What is the issue at hand that is being argued about? Do you know or even remember? Are you just in the addictive cycle of arguing just for the sake of arguing? Arguing has become such a routine that you’re just arguing to argue. I think I’d like to find the closest bridge.
If you don’t know what you’re arguing about and you don’t ,know yourself than stop taking your anger and your frustration out on someone else that’s close to you. We all have been in the middle of this. Stop being ,passive aggressive to your partner. If you are unable to directly communicate don’t sling mud on your partner and expect them to endure it.
7. Gas lighting
This is the great and fun time when your partner accuses you of doing something wrong and then refuses to tell you what it is. It makes you feel like you are the crazy one. This is the intention. If you’re questioning your sanity and wondering if you might be crazy or not, consider you might be crazy to stay so leave.
8. Comparing who you dated before the relationship
Everyone has had past lovers and relationships. What will bring your relationship to an early end is any involvement by any of those ex partners or constantly comparing your past partners with each other. Nobody really cares what you did in the past that did not involve your partner. Stay present.
9. Keeping the score
Can you both be any more petty? Go ahead and keep score. Just know you’re going to be extremely annoyed by each other. “Oh no your partner didn’t take the trash out” and “oh no the dishwasher wasn’t emptied on time”. For the sake of your relationship let these things slide. Did you forget in a relationship it is about mutual respect and shared responsibilities? Did we forget what we learned in kindergarten and how to share? Don’t be the pain in the neck guy or girl that highlights things that are not done perfectly. The one that brings it up every time your significant other doesn’t do something.
10. Focusing constantly on what is not working
People are not perfect. There is no definition for perfect. If you demand perfection for yourself, you will demanded it of your partner. Stop constantly focusing on the wrongs in the relationship. Focus on what is working well. You will never be happy. What type of relationship do you really want? You both are human beings trying to do this thing called life. Stop judging.
11. Constantly keeping tabs on you
It’s great to know they care and worry about you. If it gets to where your partner wants to get an implant and place a GPS system on your body then the relationship may have just turned unhealthy. Make a quick getaway before the implant surgery.
12. Holding onto grudges
You really don’t ever expect them to forget. If your partner cannot forgive, forget them. Breakup or stop talking about it.
13. Gradually neglecting their appearance and their hygiene
Everyone puts their best foot forward. You wear the best outfit, whiten your teeth, workout and look your very best. Can couple get to comfortable? Relationships turn very comfortable. Your partner gets to hear you pass gas, smells your feet or gets a smell of your nice morning breath.
Can you identify with any of the above ways in which a person tends to self sabotage? If you do identify, therapy can be a good fit for you. Therapy is helpful both individually or as a couple. Understanding who you are and why you are self defeating is important work. If the cycle is not broken, you repeat it over and over again.
Seek the help you need today. Give me a call and lets start the healing. Healing that will set you up for a life of joy and happiness. There is not need or room for self sabotage.