Premarital Counseling Orlando is a great benefit for all considering marriage. What would be the goal of seeking premarital counseling before walking down the isle? Why would you even consider it when you and your partner love each other and know your the right fit?
The term I use so often with my clients is “smoke and mirrors” as I learned so clearly from one of my favorite authors and teachers, Don Miguel Ruiz. Couples get disillusioned by our concept of love, obsession, desire, our needs for others to validate us and to feel wanted and appreciated. We have no solid basis, definition or foundation for the concept of “love”. Everyone has hopeful expectations that we will live happily ever after once we get married. We have a picture painted or and idea of how marriage and family is suppose to look. But isn’t it your picture, your expectations and hopeful idea that all things will work themselves out because after all, “Love conquers all”?
I hope to bring awareness to your ideas, framework and conditioning of what we call love in today’s society and from that you and your partner may find it useful to seek premarital counseling or therapy before tying the knot.
If you were to come in to see me for premarital counseling Orlando I might ask you and your partner to make a list of what you love about each other. The most common responses I get, after a blank stare and look of annoyance often, are the following:
I love my partner because they are:
-Kind, funny, trustworthy, we both agree with our outlook on life, we have fun together, we both like the same things, he or she is respectful, hardworking, has good values, we align spiritually, we both want kids, etc.
My next question might be, “Great list now can you each define your own definitions of what it means to be kind, trustworthy and respectful?” At this point one of the partners is so highly irritated with me that they may blurt out, “Why is any of this important? Why are we sitting here having to make a list”. A reaction like that quickly lets me know that defining these words is like defining a foreign alien to another. Of course we have been conditioned as a culture to say the right and appropriate answers but these are words. That’s all they are, words.
I hate to break the bad or good news (for some), but no one ever really trust anyone. What is there to trust. I trust my partner won’t cheat on me, or lie to me, or hurt me? Well in order for that to happen I hope you can first say its true about yourself. What lies do you tell yourself daily in order to make sense of this world so that it makes sense to you? When you put your hopeful expectations and desires on another then you better hand them over and leave the results up to that person.
I wouldn’t want anyone to trust me or not trust me. It does not matter. I will eventually end up disappointing you because I am not you and when your ideas shift or you jump to a conclusion then trust and respect are out the window. Each starts the blame game and before you know it lines are drawn and there is right and wrong, I can’t trust you, you told me one thing and did the other, and on and on.
Addressing the expectations you have for yourself and your partner is vital. When you say you align with each other be able to define what that really means. Remember that you only know someone else as well as your able to know yourself. We bring into relationships the conditioning from our childhood. Without awareness, compromise and an honest look at those belief systems which may no longer work we want to make sure that the conditioning and/or expectations are not placed them upon the other partner. Soon resentments form and assumptions are made because there was never a discussion.
2. Align with yourself first
Are you both able to say that your comfortable in and out of the context of a relationship? Is one partner or both incapable of being single for fear that if no one wants them then they are not worthy or validated? The most common mistake couples often make is that they place the responsibility on their partner to make them feel happy, satisfied, fulfilled, etc. That you must first find in yourself. Unconsciously we seek outside of ourselves and look for others to care take our feelings. Learning to be interdependent an independent is healthy. It sends the message to each other that you value yourself and each other. Have your own interest and lives separate from the relationship. There is no need to be enmeshed and dependent on one another.
3. Slow down and date
What’s the rush? Take each other around in every situation possible. Go around family, friends, children, large crowds, weddings, etc. Does your partner reflect in all of these situations the person they claim to be? Don’t be so blinded by the need to rush to the alter that you miss the big red flags. Actions speak louder.
You will want to make certain premarital counseling Orlando is a part of the therapist’s practice. This helps you to be assured the therapist recognizes and understands what you and your partner are seeking. Make sure to check out my approach.
If your both seeking counseling from a religious standpoint then make sure to call and ask specifically for therapy in the context of religious principles. Seeking spiritual counseling can be beneficial. I like to incorporate Present Centered Awareness Therapy. Where each seek to understand themselves first as individuals in the context of this world and in relationship with it and others.
It’s my goal that both of you feel comfortable with me as your therapist when seeking premarital counseling Orlando. That’s why I find the 30 min phone session so vital before meeting. It allows you the chance to see if we are a good fit.
After the marriage we will have established a working relationship. When issues should arise therapy can be conducted when we meet again. Seeing the same therapist as your marriage evolves provides you with trust that your therapist understands the history. It helps you to reach out at the first sign of trouble instead of allowing things to get worse.
There is such value to premarital counseling Orlando. Even if there are no issues at hand. Premarital therapy can help immensely to allow the tougher questions or those never discussed to be brought to light. This is done in a safe and nurturing environment.