Handling Teens’ Behaviour Issues When A Parent Is Deployed

Key Takeaways

• Understand that behavioral changes in teens during a parent’s deployment are normal reactions.
• Learn effective communication strategies to keep lines open with your teen.
• Discover ways to build a stronger support system for yourself and your teenager.
• Identify practical techniques for managing specific challenging behaviors.
• Recognize the importance of self-care for the deployed parent and the family left behind.
• Find resources that offer ongoing support during and after deployment.

When a parent is away on deployment, it can stir up a lot of unexpected feelings and actions in teenagers. It’s pretty common for parents, especially those new to this situation, to feel a bit lost when Handling Teens’ Behaviour Issues When a Parent Is Deployed becomes a reality. Things can feel topsy-turvy, and that’s okay.

This guide is here to offer clear, simple steps to help you manage these challenges smoothly, showing you exactly what to do next.

Understanding Teen Behavior During Deployment

When a parent is deployed, teenagers often react in ways that might surprise or concern the remaining parent. These behaviors are usually not about defiance but are a way for teens to express their feelings about the absence, changes in family dynamics, and the stress they might be experiencing. It’s important to remember that these changes are often temporary and stem from complex emotions.

Common Emotional Responses

Teens might experience a range of emotions like sadness, anger, anxiety, or even relief. This mix can lead to outward behaviors that seem difficult to manage. A teen who is usually withdrawn might become more moody, while one who is typically outgoing could become clingy or irritable.

These are all signals that they are processing a significant life event.

• Sadness and Grief: Teens may feel a deep sense of loss and sadness due to their parent’s absence. This can manifest as withdrawal, crying spells, or a lack of interest in activities they once enjoyed.
• Anger and Frustration: Some teens may express their feelings through anger, lashing out at siblings, the remaining parent, or acting out in school. This anger can be directed at the situation or even at the deployed parent for leaving.
• Anxiety and Fear: Worry about the deployed parent’s safety and the family’s stability can lead to anxiety. This might show up as sleep problems, difficulty concentrating, or constant worrying.
• Guilt: Some teenagers might feel guilty about enjoying themselves or carrying on with their lives while a parent is in a potentially dangerous situation.

Behavioral Manifestations

These emotional responses often translate into noticeable behavioral changes. It’s not always straightforward, and what looks like misbehavior might be a cry for help or a coping mechanism. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in addressing them effectively.

• Academic Decline: Difficulty concentrating in school, a drop in grades, or increased behavioral issues in the classroom can occur.
• Social Withdrawal: Teens might pull away from friends and family, preferring to spend time alone.
• Increased Risk-Taking: In some cases, teens might engage in risky behaviors like substance use or defying rules as a way to cope or gain attention.
• Sleep and Eating Pattern Changes: Disruptions to sleep schedules and eating habits are common as teens adjust to new routines and emotional stress.

Strategies for Effective Communication

Open and honest communication is the bedrock of managing any challenges with teenagers, especially when a parent is deployed. Creating a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings without judgment is key. This involves not just talking, but actively listening and validating their experiences.

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening means giving your teen your full attention, showing that you hear them, and encouraging them to express themselves. This involves more than just hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions behind them.

• Pay Attention: Put away distractions like phones or TVs and make eye contact. Show them they are your priority.
• Reflect and Paraphrase: Repeat what they’ve said in your own words to ensure you’ve understood correctly and to show you’re engaged. For example, “So, it sounds like you’re feeling worried about Dad’s upcoming mission.”
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage them to talk more by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that?”
• Validate Their Feelings: Let them know that their emotions are normal and understandable. Phrases like “It makes sense that you’re feeling sad” can be very powerful.

Scheduled Check-ins and Open Doors

Beyond impromptu chats, setting up regular times to talk can be very beneficial. This provides a predictable opportunity for them to share. Additionally, maintaining an ‘open door’ policy means they know they can come to you anytime they need to talk.

Having a consistent time for discussion, perhaps during a family meal or a quiet evening, can help teens anticipate and prepare for these conversations. It’s not about interrogation, but about connection. Even a brief chat before bed can make a difference.

• Daily Brief Check-ins: A quick “How was your day?” as they come home from school or before bed can open doors for deeper conversation.
• Weekly Family Meetings: Dedicate a short period weekly to discuss how everyone is coping, address any issues, and plan for the week ahead.
• Utilizing Technology: For teens who are more comfortable texting or messaging, maintain open channels through these means as well. A simple emoji or a quick message can keep the connection alive.

Building a Strong Support System

No one can go it alone, especially during the stress of a deployment. A strong support system for both the teen and the remaining parent is essential. This network can provide emotional backing, practical help, and a sense of community.

Involving the Teen’s Network

Your teen’s friends, other family members, school counselors, and coaches can all play a vital role. Encouraging them to stay connected with their established social circles is important for their well-being and sense of normalcy.

• Friends: Help your teen maintain friendships. Arrange for them to spend time with friends, whether it’s at home, going out, or connecting online.
• Extended Family: Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins can offer a different kind of support and stability. Encourage regular contact through calls or visits.
• School Resources: School counselors and teachers can be invaluable allies. They can provide academic support, a listening ear, and monitor your teen’s well-being at school.

The Role of the Remaining Parent

The parent who remains home is the primary source of stability. Prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish; it’s necessary. When you are well-supported, you are better equipped to support your teen.

• Connecting with Other Military Families: There are often support groups for families experiencing deployment. Sharing experiences with others who understand can be incredibly comforting and provide practical advice.
• Seeking Personal Support: Don’t hesitate to lean on your own friends, family, or even a therapist. Talking through your challenges can help you manage stress.
• Self-Care Practices: Even small acts of self-care, like getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in hobbies, can make a significant difference in your ability to cope.

Managing Specific Teen Behaviors

When specific challenging behaviors arise, having a toolbox of strategies can make a big difference. It’s about responding with patience and consistency, rather than immediate discipline, while still maintaining clear expectations.

Setting Clear Boundaries and Expectations

Even with a parent deployed, household rules and expectations need to remain in place. Clear boundaries provide a sense of security and predictability for teens, which is especially important during times of change.

• Consistent Rules: Ensure that rules regarding curfews, chores, screen time, and homework are clear and consistently enforced.
• Consequences: Natural and logical consequences are often more effective than punitive measures. For example, if screen time is misused, it might be temporarily reduced.
• Involve Your Teen: When possible, involve your teen in discussions about rules and consequences. This can foster a sense of responsibility and cooperation.

Addressing Defiance and Moodiness

Defiance and persistent moodiness can be particularly trying. It’s important to address these behaviors calmly and look for underlying causes rather than just reacting to the surface behavior.

• Stay Calm: Reacting with anger often escalates the situation. Take a deep breath and try to respond thoughtfully.
• Pick Your Battles: Not every minor infraction needs a major confrontation. Focus on the behaviors that are truly impacting their well-being or household functioning.
• Explore Underlying Causes: Ask open-ended questions to try and understand why they are acting out. Is it anxiety, boredom, or a need for attention?

Example Scenario: The Declining Grades

Sarah, a 15-year-old, had always been a good student. When her mother deployed, Sarah’s grades began to slip. She started missing homework assignments and seemed unfocused in class.

Her father noticed she was spending a lot of time on her phone and in her room.

1. Initial Observation: The father noticed the change in academic performance and her increased isolation.
2. Open Conversation: He sat down with Sarah and, instead of accusing, asked how she was feeling about his wife’s deployment and school. He listened actively as she expressed feeling overwhelmed and sad, making it hard to focus.
3. Collaborative Solution: Together, they developed a plan. They agreed on specific times for homework and set limits on social media use during those times. He also connected with her school counselor to inform them of the situation and get support.
4. Ongoing Support: He made an effort to check in with her daily about her schoolwork and her feelings, celebrating small successes.

This approach helped Sarah regain her focus and improve her grades by addressing her emotional needs alongside her academic responsibilities. The key was understanding that the behavior stemmed from deeper feelings related to the deployment.

Maintaining Connection with the Deployed Parent

Keeping the lines of communication open between the teen and the deployed parent is crucial for everyone’s well-being. Technology has made this easier than ever, but it still requires effort and intention from all parties involved.

Leveraging Technology for Connection

Video calls, messaging, and shared online activities can bridge the physical distance. It’s about finding ways to maintain a sense of presence and connection despite being miles apart.

• Scheduled Video Calls: Regular video calls allow for face-to-face interaction, which is vital for emotional connection. Try to make these calls a priority for both the teen and the deployed parent.
• Messaging and Emails: Even short messages or emails can help teens feel connected throughout the day. Encourage the deployed parent to send quick updates or “thinking of you” messages.
• Shared Digital Experiences: Playing online games together, watching a movie simultaneously, or sharing photos and videos can create shared experiences that foster a sense of togetherness.

Managing Expectations and Time Zones

The realities of deployment, such as limited connectivity, different time zones, and operational demands, mean that communication might not always be consistent. Setting realistic expectations can prevent disappointment.

It’s important for teens to understand that their deployed parent might not always be able to respond immediately or at a convenient time. This understanding can help manage frustration and maintain a positive outlook on communication efforts.

• Be Flexible: Understand that communication schedules may need to be flexible due to operational needs or time differences.
• Prioritize Quality over Quantity: A shorter, meaningful conversation can be more impactful than a long, distracted one.
• Create Virtual Routines: Establishing virtual routines, like reading a bedtime story via video call or having a virtual “family dinner,” can create a sense of normalcy.

Sample Scenario: The Frustrated Teen

Liam, 13, felt increasingly frustrated because his dad, deployed overseas, couldn’t always join their nightly video calls. Sometimes his dad was on a mission, and other times the internet connection was too poor.

1. Liam’s Feelings: Liam expressed his anger and disappointment to his mom, feeling like his dad didn’t care enough to make the calls.
2. Mom’s Role: His mom validated his feelings but also explained the challenges of his dad’s situation, emphasizing his dad’s love and desire to connect. She helped Liam write emails and send recorded video messages when direct calls weren’t possible.
3. Finding Alternatives: They worked with Liam’s dad to set up a shared online journal where they could both post updates and messages. His dad also made an effort to send voice notes when video calls were impossible.
4. Shift in Perspective: Liam began to appreciate these alternative forms of communication, understanding that his dad was doing his best to stay connected despite difficult circumstances.

This scenario highlights how adapting communication methods and managing expectations can help teens navigate the challenges of staying connected during a deployment.

Self-Care for the Whole Family

Taking care of oneself is not a luxury but a necessity, especially when facing the stresses of deployment and teenage behavior. When the primary caregiver is depleted, it’s much harder to effectively support a teenager.

Prioritizing the Remaining Parent’s Well-being

The parent left behind often carries a significant load, managing the household, finances, and the emotional needs of their children. Their own well-being must be a priority.

• Seek Support: Connect with friends, family, or other military spouses. Sharing experiences and feelings can be incredibly beneficial.
• Schedule Downtime: Even short breaks throughout the day can help you recharge. This could be reading a book, listening to music, or taking a walk.
• Maintain Healthy Habits: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are fundamental for managing stress and maintaining energy levels.

Encouraging Teen Self-Care

Just as the parent needs self-care, teens also benefit from learning and practicing healthy coping mechanisms. This empowers them to manage their own emotions and stresses.

Helping your teen identify activities that help them relax and de-stress can build resilience. This could be anything from art and music to sports or spending time in nature.

• Hobbies and Interests: Encourage your teen to engage in activities they enjoy. This provides a healthy outlet for energy and emotions.
• Mindfulness and Relaxation: Introduce simple mindfulness techniques, deep breathing exercises, or guided imagery to help them manage anxiety.
• Physical Activity: Sports, dancing, or even just going for a run can be great stress relievers and mood boosters.

FAQ Of Handling Teens’ Behaviour Issues When A Parent Is Deployed

Final Thoughts

Navigating the ups and downs of Handling Teens’ Behaviour Issues When a Parent Is Deployed is a significant undertaking. It involves understanding that many of the changes you see in your teenager are normal reactions to a stressful situation.

By focusing on open communication, building a strong support network for both yourself and your teen, and implementing consistent yet compassionate strategies for managing behavior, you can foster resilience and maintain stability.

Remember to prioritize self-care for everyone involved, as a well-supported parent is better equipped to guide their teen through this period.

Encouraging your teen to maintain connections with friends and engage in activities they enjoy can provide them with a sense of normalcy and healthy outlets for their emotions.

Similarly, exploring ways to keep the bond strong with the deployed parent, utilizing available technology creatively, can offer comfort and reassurance.

When challenges arise, addressing them calmly, setting clear expectations, and seeking help from school counselors or support groups can provide invaluable assistance.

This journey requires patience, flexibility, and a commitment to supporting your teen’s emotional well-being while also tending to your own needs. You are not alone in this, and taking these steps will help create a more positive experience for your entire family.